My dear Crush,
It’s the night of my birthday. And all I really wanna do tonight, is to just rant it all out here…
It was my birthday today. You never called. You never even bothered to send a text. Seems like you just denied my existence altogether. Nice one! I’m not bothered at all. I’m not angry. Why should I? It’s not your fault now. And you’re definitely not in any way indebted to me.
I’m not bothered. I’m not angry. What is doing me is that I don’t know what is doing me. I’m just confused. I’m distraught. I feel lost. I’ve never been this perplexed. I really hate to be like this. Maybe, just maybe, it would never have come to this. But then, God. God!
I absolutely hate not being in control, not being in charge. Because If this has been my way, I could’ve have had an easy pick from the many good guys crowding my feet, worshipping. But then, God. God spoke!
For God, with God, I’ve been the fool. I’ve built castles in the air, while forfeiting all of the real glorious mansions beckoning at me.. It’s insane. It’s crazy. But, It’s faith. It’s God.
For God tonight, I held an innocent man’s heart in my hands. A throbbing youthful human heart, oozing red. I held it in my hands, and shattered it mindlessly, without batting a lid.
It was very difficult. My most difficult moment alive. But I did it. For God, for love, for conviction, for you.
He was on his knees. Kelvin. My day one friend in school. My most consistent friend.
Kelvin’s a lovely guy, about the most amazing one I’ve ever met. He loves me sacrificially. And with Him, I experienced pure love in practicality.
Tonight, the night of my day, Kelvin was on his knees, in the middle of a surprise party he’d planned and arranged for me with my friends. Kelvin was on his knees, ring in hand, looking me up pleadingly. Ouch! Those eyes!
He popped the question. The occasion was right. The timing was perfect. The mood was lit. The moon and the starry sky only required a ‘Yes’ from me to perfect the night. Everything in me said “yes”. Every one in the room urged me on.
I was weak. My eyes were shut.
And for the guy on his knees, for the crowd of witnesses in the room, for the sake of that beautiful moment, I was about saying “Yes”. But then, God. God!
Behind my shut eyes, he flashed your image across my mind. I checked my heart, it was with you. Hmmm. It made no sense, not to anyone in that room, not to me myself, not with the feedback and attitude I’ve been getting from you.
But I said NO to Kelvin, with my back turned to him. I couldn’t say ‘Yes’. I just couldn’t. I can’t bear the thought of losing you for him. He’s a good person, but Kelvin is not you, and can never be you!
I felt bad. I feel terrible. I feel like the most wicked being in the world. I couldn’t even look into his eyes. How could I? I knew they’d be teary and red and hurt. They’d be speaking agony. And I don’t wanna be a witness to that. It would haunt me for life.
I just had to run out of the place, leaving my friends, the cake and cakes, the kneeling Kelvin, everyone in the room. The air was choking. I couldn’t stand it any longer.
By tomorrow, I’m sure the news will be everywhere on campus. Mehn! I really played dirty.
But what exactly do I stand to gain? Whence lies my reward for all of this? What’s my fate? Where do I even stand with you?
Thing is I don’t know any damn thing! And it’s annoying. Terribly annoying. I seem to have gotten every other single thing in my life right and going, but this. It’s just an irony. Too much irony for a hot, pretty, brainy law student!
I love God. I want to do his will. I’ve had to ask him over and over again if he is really leading me to you. Or better still, where and who exactly is he leading me? Or most appropriately, why is he leading me? Why does he have to even lead me?
I just want to know if this whole thing is just a ruse or something. Because, it really looks it. It’s been series of negative ‘First times’ with you. I’ve never been snubbed by a male. I’ve never had my feelings unreciprocated before.
Like! I don’t understand you. I don’t know what you’re up. I don’t know anything.
You practically snubbed me the whole of today, my special day!
Well, I probably don’t have any right to be pained, or feel entitled in anyway. But then it felt strange. Being snubbed felt strange. I think I now appreciate how it feels.
But really, even if I were just a friend, I don’t deserve this! You couldn’t even flash my phone?!
Now, what do we call that? You weren’t aware? You forgot? You don’t believe in birthdays? or just sheer wickedness. What the actual f**k is it?!
Kelvin is the 3rd proposal I’m rejecting this year. And they are all great guys. Really great guys. But, for God, I’m still single.
Our final exams is next month, and then we’ll part ways. You’ve not proposed. You’ve not even made any attempt I can even assist. Kai! I don suffer o.
I agree we’ve been talking fairly well online and all, but then, at this stage, who dat one help?
Do you have other plans? Is there another person?! I’m really dying to know this. Is another lady in the picture? So I can just suffer my heartbreak quietly and quickly, and move on. Because this assumption is killing me!
I like you very much, yeah! But it ain’t really a do or die thing. It’s just that I’m this intensely emotional girl; a hopeless romantic. So that when I put my mind to something, I latch on to it completely. And that applies to my relationships. It’s why I’m so into you. I love hard!
And to make matters ‘worse’, I’ve felt God’s nod of approval at every point of the way.
Asides these, on God, I’m not desperate.
There are guys all over me. (Though the lot of them are only wasting their time).
Deji for example, remains my brother, nothing more. I’ve told him to his face. He can’t be bossing me around like he owns me.
Tunde. Yes, Pastor Tunde! He is just fetching water inside basket. I’ve told him ‘no road’ already. Yet, he keeps on saying I’m the one for him, bombarding me with gifts and messages. He even of late started playing assistant Holy Spirit, threatening me with prophecies. E gbami. Is it by force? Ontop this ‘marry me’ matter. Na wa o. Well, that’s his own migraine sha.
All these ones are even by the way. Mere distractions. So, back to what I was saying:
It’s been almost 2 years I got to know for sure you’ll be mine. Why does it seem you ain’t seeing this? Hasn’t God revealed me to you yet? You’re a deeply spiritual guy now. Can’t you see the signs and the times? Can’t you see the many number of things we’ve got in common already?
Our interests, passion, plans, vision, and purpose are so perfectly aligned. Are those not too real and divinely sequenced to be mere coincidences? Does that happen? Perhaps I’m too young in faith to understand. But really, I don’t even know what to understand again.
This thing is too glaring now, and overwhelming too. Talk of the many things people have been saying about us both, in our presence and behind our backs.
Just last week, when we were gisting at the faculty, Pastor Demola the immediate past president had seen us together in passing, and had shouted ‘Father Abraham and Mummy Sarah!’ Just like that o.
Like, Pastor Demola, the seer! I was expecting you to go down right there on one knee and obey the heavenly vision at once. But NO. No show. No show o.
Why does it seem like I’m the only one seeing how simple, yet unnecessarily complicated this matter is becoming?
Well, I think I’m looking beyond you now. This is between God and I. He’s the one I’ve got business with. More so God himself gave me the vision about you, not any man. Not even you! He hasn’t failed me yet. Let’s see what happens this time. I’m gonna sit this one out.
You can just keep on forming o, or looking for your best moment to shoot your shot, or still praying earnestly. Whichever it is, there is God.
I’m not even going to worry my head again. Shebi it’s man. Ordinary man. Haba. I will get it sorted. No lele.
But on a lowkey sha o, if God still wills, I’ll wanna see your yeye shy face when you finally propose(if you’re still considering us). I’ll first laugh you to scorn, and do shakara. And then I’ll konk your head too. Naughty boy! You’ve really vexed my righteous soul. Argh argh! All these much wahala, for what na?
I’m still very much annoyed with you, Fish. Yes. Fish is your pet name now. Coman beat me, I’m in my hostel. LMAO.