My dear (ex)Crush,
Life in much torrents had happened over the last 5 weeks. It’s been for me a life-changing, and self-defining phase of my life.
Talking about how it all started. I wasn’t going to take that major step that led into all these, without some big push. I was practically plunged headlong into it. Things had come to a head, and my mental health was already suffering over a relationship I only had in my head. Well, that was just it for me! I was going to do the needful. And with the support and pestering of my best friend, Sharon(who I had had to tell everything), I did the unconventional.
I was going to call for a conversation to define exactly what we were doing. Or rather, what I was doing with you in my head. I wasn’t gonna sit back and let my heart break many times over before it finally breaks.
And I gave no damn to what walking up to talk to you might imply. I didn’t care whatever anybody(even you) would think of me. What was the worst case scenario: you’d shun me, despise me, tell the whole world how desperate, cheap and despicable I was! LOL! I could live with all those. If it would mean me getting clarity, and not chasing shadows, and wasting away in futile waiting. I was tired of it all. Permutations and combinations. I needed rest. I needed me back. A detached, free me.
You weren’t willing to initiate this conversation with me, even though it was conspicuously missing from the long list of the things we’ve talked about. I’d always felt it was a man’s responsibility to initiate. But then, I was the one suffering here, while you seemed not in the least affected. So, I saved my own life. I did what I had to do for me!
And that was what informed the surprise call you received from me that Saturday evening.
You know the big life lesson this experience taught me? The immense power in opening up, in speaking up, in naked conversations. It makes you vulnerable, but saves you the heartache of endless assumptions. Costly ones at that.
And yeah, better you own your vulnerability, and move on with life a better and more focused person, than reach menopause while lingering on in your own world of fantasies.
I could imagine your shock when I brought up the surprise topic for discourse. But then, I saw the huge relief on your face, that I had at least grown the balls you didn’t have. LOL! (that was a crude joke I know. I’m sorry! Just wanna drive in the message raw. LMAO).
And that one night you’ll agree, started the series of subsequent sincere and open conversations that’s gotten me to this place. A safe, sane place. Freedom, a sound mind, a focused life. All of ‘em.
See, conversations are powerful. Conversations unearth, and birth discoveries. Conversations free, yet make us accountable and responsible. Conversations strip us, they render us naked and vulnerable. But then, therein also lies our unmasking, our chance to be real, honest, transparent. To do away with the burden of putting up appearances. And yes, vulnerability I say again and again is gold!
I can’t agree more with this quote I found online: “One good conversation can shift the direction of change forever”.
Oh! How much we suffer, when we can just ask questions, and talk things over!
It was only in my conversation with you -my last resort, a tough one for me as a lady with my dignity, rep, and self-esteem on the line, I discovered you had been in a relationship for 3 years now. Who could’ve known? That ain’t even the news yet.
The shocker was: This mysterious lady was none other than Bukky, my own roomie, my Bunkie, my friend! How in world is that even possible?! How did I not know?!
To imagine Bukky and I gist about many things and people, but never really conversed beyond the periphery. We’ve never really talked about us. Bukky sleeps just above me on that bunk, but we’re several hostels apart in reality.
In my failure to have real conversations and be open, even in a supposedly ‘close’ friendship I discovered, to my chagrin, I’d been crushing hard on my friend’s man!
It was in my conversations with you, I discovered you had struggled since we got talking. You liked my person, my company. And that was a problem. You were in a committed relationship. There should be no divided interests you thought. And so you had a real conflict to deal with.
And the negative vibes I was getting from you were as a result of the inner struggle. You wanted to pull away, though the friendship was mutually beneficial. And this made me understand why it looked like I was forcing myself on you. You weren’t consistent, and it was really confusing and frustrating. Well, It made sense now that you were protecting your heart, your relationship.
In one of our conversations, I think the 3rd in the series, you actually did admit to at a time giving the possibility of us getting close a thought. A stray thought. But then, according to you, my outlook(in my bid of masking my emotions and feelings for you) didn’t help matters. I was actually expressing the façade of the serious, heavenly-minded, earth-damning Sister, not given to such carnal business and pursuit. And that was that about that for you.
And your way of stamping out all such ‘nagging distractions’ like I was beginning to constitute, was your resolve to cut off all communications between us totally without warning, so you could stay focused on your relationship. You were about carrying that out immediately after grad, had I not made that move to talk to you.
In my conversations with Bukky, I discovered you guys were supposed to get married sometime next year. She was the one stalling, over certain personal issues and misgivings she wants to take her time to resolve, before agreeing to go ahead with your wedding plans. It didn’t go down quite well with you, and the relationship is strained.
Conversations heal, they’re capable of redeeming the human heart. You know I’ve really changed. I surprise myself really. The fact that things aren’t that okay between you two should make me happy, innit? This should be my perfect chance. In fact I should be assisting and fast-tracking the process with prayers and fasting. But here I am, trying to make this work between you two.
I’ve discovered my friendship with you is the one thing I very much value and hold dear. It would be really dreamy and mind-blowing for you and I to end up together married. A fairytale come true. But it doesn’t hold as much importance to me anymore. The feelings are still there, but much better managed and well channeled this time, so that my commitment is to have your genuine interest at heart, and be there for you as a friend should. I think I can live with that, and be very much fulfilled.
So, where are we? Where is this headed?
Well, like I said in our last conversation, we’re friends, good friends, mutually sharing value. And I desire we remain even better at that no matter what.
As to marriage or not. It very much likely won’t be. I’ve made my peace with that. And it’s just fine. I’ll be proud to be a part of the beautiful love story you and Bukky share.
I’ll call this my treatise to you. The last in my series of crush letters to you. Letters that never got to you. Now I’ll rather just have us talk about it. Whatever it is. A simple, honest conversation does a world of good. I’ve learnt.
And yeah, you’re not ‘my dear crush’. You’ve got a name. Ben.
*Do you think this is really THE END between Ben and Susan?
*How would you have handled things, either as Ben or Susan? My thoughts are in the comments. Drop yours too, let’s engage on this!